Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Catholic Church no longer swears by truth of the Bible

I didn't make that title up. That was the title of a "news report" about the Roman Catholic stance on Intelligent Design. I don't know how biased the writer is, but it appears that the Roman Catholic church "supporting" Darwinism is big news simply because it is the Catholic Church (you know, the uber-conservative "Christian" church of the world) that is seemingly supporting it.

Of course, I don't know what Pope Benedict thinks about all this. And not all Catholics, I presume, believes that. But I would like, again, to call attention to the fact that the RCC is willing to compromise on the important issue of the creatorship of God but is adamant about their stance on priestly celibacy (which the apostles never followed) or transubstantiation (which is even more unscientific than anything I know). Perhaps that accusations of the RCC being Babylon the Harlot is true after all, although I never would have guessed such strange bedfellows.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Scuba diving are for those who can swim underwater

Among those books which my wife and I count as one of our favorites is the perennial favorite Pride and Prejudice. One of the surest ways to get my wife tingling with nostalgia is to quote to her that "[i]t is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." We loved the book; and we also loved the mini-series that BBC made... the one with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle. The book was high romance and poignant fiction. I have met very few here in the Philippines that think highly of the book. I have also yet to see any local "rendition" of this book in any Pinoy movie or tele-serye, which I thought was strange. While Helen Fielding, creator of Bridget Jone's Diary, had to create different situations to make the basic plot believable, I am quite sure that an "authentic" Pinoy rendition is possible if handled correctly.

There are some who think that this would not be very easy, and I would agree with them, but I suspect that they have other reasons for thinking that it is a difficult undertaking. For one thing, I suspect that even Pinoys have this feeling that whatever the situation in Georgian England is irrelevant to that of modern Philippines, probably even more irrelevant than it is for modern Great Britain. If that is how they feel, I would disagree. If there was any place in the world that still discriminates people based on the highness and lowness of birth, the quality of connections, the power granted by owning land and having money, and the over-bearing sense of propriety, that would be turn-of-the-millenium Philippines for you, right down to the dot.

If I had a peso for every time I heard a fellow Pinoy talk about another Pinoy using the the phrase "Sino ba ang nanay at tatay niyan? Sino ba ang pamilya niyan?" I guess I'd have enough to purchase myself a really good MP3 player (perhaps I should have wished for a twenty-peso bill for every time I heard it). Of course, Pinoys may argue that that isn't the case at all and that all Pinoys have equal opportunity to get ahead in the world. What a lovely sentiment... unfortunately, so very trite. One only has to see how people get positions not only in government but in companies to see that one's pedigree is so vastly important that one has to be so shockingly brilliant in order to penetrate the "inner circle." If this were not true, there would be no political and socio-economic "dynasties" in the Philippines. Unfortunately, like the Gardiner's in Pride and Prejudice, sometimes intellect and wit are not enough to get them accepted unless one of their own would marry into a good family.

Connections, too, are very important in determining your place in the socio-economic heirarchy, just as much as it was in Jane Austen's time. It is who you know that is important, and this is a simple test. A new graduate's chances of getting a really good job is determined, first of all, by that graduate's alma mater, connection number one. If one is unfortunate enough not to graduate from any of the "ivy league" universities, there is still a chance, but one should know somebody in that company/institution one wants to join... and the more powerful that somebody, the better the position that can be offered (connection number two). I suspect that most of the jobs that people hold are not found through the classifieds so much as they are "internally" advertised to those friends, family and acquaintances of the existing employees. Even getting Ninongs and Ninangs and a batch of friends and acquaintances are based on whom you already know. Again, just as discrimination by pedigree, one must be smarter than a whip in order to be able to circumvent this, but even then, not by much.

Of course, one can get away with being rude, ill-bred and generally obnoxious if one is filthy rich. The Bingley sisters and Lady Catherine de Bourgh can afford their high-handed, high-brow attitudes only because they have personal fortunes, in the same way that Kris Aquino and Ruffa Guttierez-Bektas can get away with behavior that would have gotten severe ostracization if they were less moneyed, lower pedigreed and not so well connected. And they are just the more obvious examples. In the meantime, the poorer, humbly pedigreed and poorly connected folks must make vigilantly sure that their manners are impeccable (no matter how brilliant or talented they are) when with their more fortunate brethren, if they want to keep whatever station they currently have.

But all this is not my point. My point is that, a Filipinized version of Pride and Prejudice can be so accurately and faithfully adapted even for modern Pinoy society. I mean, those jologs who lap up "Jewel in the Palace" and other imported mini-series enjoy them, no matter how sophisticated their plots are and no matter how subtle the dramatic acting; so, why shouldn't they go crazy over a Pinoy Pride and Prejudice? Well-written and well-adapted, it can provide a social mirror to our society, much better than the over-used comedy motifs and archetypes that Philippine TV is crawling with. And the ratings can go through the roof.

But maybe I am too optimistic. My wife used to hide her love for these sort of books and suppress the natural desire to discuss social issues when she was still here in the Philippines because Pinoys, in general, hate such tendencies. If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times: "Masyado kang bookish" or "Masyado kang seryoso" (I wish I had a hundred pesos for every time I heard it—it would be enough to allow me to purchase my own condominium). So many Pinoys are so bent on finding something to laugh at that they would hear the same old stale variations of "wala kayo sa lolo ko" and think it is the funniest thing in the world (one reason why I like Michael V. over Dolphy and Vic Sotto any day—because he finds innovative jokes that are also subtle satires of Pinoy society. . . now, there's a wit!). Even in Australia, where she is now, where she can express her love of books without seeming to be "wierd" my wife would have to occassionally clam up when she is with expats from the Philippines.

In fact, the more I think of it, the less optimistic I become. When Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo were made into what I consider well-made mini-series, it never broke any ratings records. Not for lack of trying, but rather because of a deficiency of "connections" and "pedigree"—it was made by PTV 4 with a low budget, almost no promotion, and with no big-name stars like Vilma or Nora. Whereas a zany series like Full House or and even the infamous Meteor Garden became a part of pinoy pop culture (down to their ridiculous haircuts and misogynism) only because they were shown on the mega-networks. If a Pinoy Pride and Prejudice were to be produced in any network but GMA 7 or ABS-CBN 2, and not starring any of the big-names, I guess one shouldn't expect it to be successful, no matter how well-crafted.

Who would want to watch Pride and Prejudice? Mas nakaka-aliw to watch Dolphy do the nth variation of his stale joke, or see Vic cavorting around as if he's as young as his grown-up son, or view over-melodramatic pilit na tear-jerkers with over-acting "big name" actors yelling and crying all over the place. Thank God that the Koreans and Kiwis are much more sensible, and create stuff that we can import and enjoy. . . and hopefully inspire some of our young ones to someday reform our entertainment industry.


So. . . what has this to do with scuba diving? Well, those who content themselves to wade at the beach will only hope to see so much gray sand and other people. Only those scuba divers who dare and are willing to go deeper are granted with the privelege to gaze at wonders and come back with stories to tell.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

The Catholic Church is Compromising in the Wrong Direction

I have always viewed the Roman Catholic Church to be reactionary in the worst possible ways (notwithstanding that the last Pope, Pope John Paul II, seems to have been the best Pope), but this takes the cake. I couldn't believe that the RCC would compromise on such an important issue as the origins of the universe and of the species by calling "Intelligent Design" not a science and should not be taught as an alternative to Darwinian evolution.

The Rev. George Coyne, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, said placing intelligent design theory alongside that of evolution in school programs was "wrong" and was akin to mixing apples with oranges.

"Intelligent design isn't science even though it pretends to be," the ANSA news agency quoted Coyne as saying on the sidelines of a conference in Florence. "If you want to teach it in schools, intelligent design should be taught when religion or cultural history is taught, not science."

The RCC would not compromise on priestly celibacy, or the role of women in the church, the merit system of the Saints or even Papal infallibility (yes, I am aware of the qualification that infallibility only extends ex cathedra), but whoa! they are willing to compromise when it comes to calling the theory (that we all descended from just one organism in just a few billion years) as science while teaching the belief that we were created by one God as not science?

I suspect that this is reactionism, plain and simple. The RCC are recently giving the appearance that the affair with Galileo is not an instance of Papal infallibility displaying fallibility, i.e. that the Pope wasn't using his claim to Papal infallibility. But the embarassment of having Galileo, whom they tagged with the label "heretic" and had under house arrest all his life, even if it wasn't under the assumption of Papal infallibility, as being right all along may have contributed to their more recent view of keeping science and "religion" separate. In short, they are claiming the right to believe anything they want even if it is contradicted by science; in this case, their belief that the universe, and us along with it, was created by an intelligent entity called God.

This is a cunning move on their part, as most of their beliefs can be, and has been, disproved by science. Transubstantiation, for instance. By calling the belief in God as creator not science, I suspect that they feel that they can now continue with their unscientific beliefs on one hand, while on the other delve and contribute to the very science that contradicts their belief. This, in my opinion, is dishonest. And I believe that Rev. Coyne is very dishonest, if he both believes that the universe began and was developed by chance and that, after all, God "created" the world. In fact, I am curious as to what he believes "creation" is.

Which is a shame, because "Intelligent Design" is a science as much as Darwinian evolution is. Both handle the same data, both make conjectures over periods we no longer have access too, and both have tenets that we have to take on faith. We either trust that Darwin was right or wrong, and it seems that the RCC would rather have Darwin be right (with the condition that the Roman Catholic Church, within it's own sphere, can also be as right) than have the Protestants show that Darwin and the Catholic Church are wrong.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I'm some kinda unknown, but cool OS

I took this online personality quiz, supposedly to match you with a computer Operating System that you most closely resemble in terms of "personality." This is what Ærynn and I both got (wow! lovely...).

You are HP-UX. You're still strong despite the passage of time.  Though few understand you, those who do love you deeply and appreciate you.
Which OS are You?



I'm curious to find the descriptions of the other OSes. For instance, what makes a person a Windows ME? Well, I found it here. Wow... people hate Windows ME. And I thought I was the only one.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Colors of Christmas "teaser trailer"

I 've been trying out several free video hosts so that I can, at last, post videos here on the Blog. I tried the free service of Google Video (which is currently in Beta) and, although the video quality has not degraded, for some reason the sound has. Oh, well! It's still in Beta after all, and Google can still improve. If you want to see the Google Video version, click here.

Instead, I got better results when I tried out OurMedia.org, which was recommended by FreeVlog.org, which is a site that provides a tutorial on how to video blog, hence the portmaneau "vlog." The initial result can be seen below.



This is the "teaser trailer" of my local church's Christmas Concert, which I made. It was shown some weeks ago during Sunday Worship services to encourage people to support, join or do both for the upcoming concert. I am very pleased with the results of this new service.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

A rant on work ethics

One thing has become so very personal for me, so very personally hateful to me is a perception of my uselessness. I guess it is the only part of me that I can describe as unrepentantly machismo. But I hate it with all of my heart when people think that I am of no help.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Black and White, and Shades of Gray

This is an Adobe Photoshop color swatch toolbox. As a child, we were led to believe that there were only seven colors. Later that collection of colors was extended, first to sixteen, then to thirty-two, then to sixty-four (for those fortunate enough to afford those boxed Crayola sets), and then even later we were told that there were only, really, just three colors. Of course, sky blue, perriwinkle and dodge blue are very different colors and, for the longest time I didn't know what made them different from each other and all the other types of blue. And that's just the color blue.

Later on, when I learned about "computer" colors in my programming language class, I found that there are, actually, different sets of primary colors. I had always thought that it was Blue, Yellow and Red; now I was being told that it was actually either Red, Green and Blue, or Cyan, Magenta and Yellow. We learned to look at long color charts for the numerical equivalents of displaying colors properly; we also learned that different machines will display the "same" color differently. As a consequence, we learned to "cheat" our displays so that we can actually come up with the color we actually want, regardless of what the color chart says it really is. For instance, when Pink doesn't look pink enough, we use a light shade of some violet/purple color.

And, at around that time, I learned how to use, first of all, MS Paint and then Adobe Photoshop. And this box over there at the top of this post (which is an Adobe Photoshop color swatch toolbox) became very familiar. But, for some reason, we always knew that blue was blue, red was red, yellow was yellow, etc. etc.

About two years ago, my wife (then my girl friend) found a way to enroll me into an art class. She knew that I always dreamed, wished and fantasized about doing my own paintings and, thanks to Chords and Canvas (a project she was working on at that time) she found where I can finally realize my dream, wish and fantasies (all in that order).

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Arroz caldo straight from the heart

My favorite dish has always been Arroz caldo in all it's permutations. For most Pinoys, arroz caldo only refers to that type made with chicken, the most usual type. Other types are referred to as either goto or congee if the meat used is beef tripe or meat dumplings, and lugaw if it doesn't have any meat in it at all. Technically, all these are arroz caldo, just as Colgate is just another type of toothpaste; Colgate, by the by, is the "generic" term for toothpaste for a lot of Pinoys for decades, only slowly changing during the last decade of the last century. Well, as I said, arroz caldo is my favorite dish and my favorite version of it is arroz caldo de bulalo.

For the past few weeks, I've already made three batches of this my favorite dish, but not because it is my favorite dish. I've been making this because my niece's favorite solid food dish is my arroz caldo. Of course, my brother and siste-in-law have already been trying to feed her some solid or semi-solid food. On the whole, she wasn't a picky eater, but only with arroz caldo did she display any sort of fondness, actually holding her mouth open to be fed, occassionally grabbing the spoon to put it in her mouth herself and crying if she still wants more. I mean, really, how can I resist? I am also her godfather after all.

Of course, I have to tone down my recipe so that it wouldn't be as spicy as I am wont to make it. Here is my modified recipe, based on my Mom's way of cooking it, henceforth called Arroz caldo de manok ala Dayang:

What did the fool say in his heart?

"Last week a middle-ranking officer of the Salvation Army, who gave up a well-paid job to devote his life to the poor, attempted to convince me that homosexuality is a mortal sin.

Late at night, on the streets of one of our great cities, that man offers friendship as well as help to the most degraded and (to those of a censorious turn of mind) degenerate human beings who exist just outside the boundaries of our society. And he does what he believes to be his Christian duty without the slightest suggestion of disapproval. Yet, for much of his time, he is meeting needs that result from conduct he regards as intrinsically wicked."

At last, an atheist finally admits that religious people are actually better human beings than those who claim that their creed is humanism (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2005/sep/12/religion.uk).

And yet he still does not see this as proof that God exists but rather as the sort of mental delusion that just so happens to make them better human beings (no surprise there). And that is just one atheist; the others still think they hold the moral high-ground and believe that religious automatically means evil.


Another Alibi?

A lot of things were wrong with T2 from the very beginning, although I was too thankful that they hired me without a lot of questions asked. I had nothing to be ashamed of, of course; it's just that I've always been subjected to the rather heart-breaking experience of being passed over so many times because of my alma mater.The Quiet Room Also, initially, the training that they gave us during the first month was well-paced and well-designed and, although my impressions of the people I was going to work with on the first day was not so positive, I was fortunate to finally be put on a team whose members were not rambunctious and generally people I enjoy being with. It was also nice that we were being paid during that period, before we were technically doing any real work, and that pay was the highest I ever got in the Philippines.

It was much later, when our product training started that we had our first intimations of disaster looming on the horizon. Compared to the accent-neutralization training we received (ACE), which was, as I stated, paced, designed and balanced well, this was hurried, with no clear statement of our goals or objectives, incidental in treatment... basically not really training us for what we should be trained for. I mean, after all that big talk on the first day that our ACE and product training would be seamless and interspersed, we were disappointed and disillusioned to see that there was actually a clear demarcation line between ACE and product, and that the only ones benefitting from the product training are those who've already undergone that sort of training in another company.

Still, I thought that I can handle it... and why shouldn't I? I, who prided myself on learning computers more swiftly than others? I, who (in my hubris) gloried over the nickname given to me by friends of "The Machine" because of my skill and know-how in anything mechanical or electronic? Why shouldn't I pass this easily? I wasn't looking out to be the best; I just want to be good enough.

But, so tedious to relate, the training claimed even those of us who believed we were "techies" as victims: we just weren't understanding enough of it on time. Still, our team performed much better than all the other teams, due probably in no small part to the introspective nature of those on the team; but we were not happy being the best. Being the best means being the first on the floor, and we knew that we needed much more training that we had. Even when we tried to ask questions, we were always told in that annoying North American accent to just "figure it out."

I suddenly felt what it was like for a raw recruit with just a month of basic training before being sent into a battlefield, where your first mistake will always count... well not quite—technically, we had almost two months before we hit the floor, but you know what I mean.

Actually, I wasn't so bad. I sounded and talked like an American well enough for the clients to think that I was, and for a while that was all that mattered. I was there to help people, and helping people (as I was accustomed to) took focus and time. Especially time. It was only when my team leader told me I wasn't doing it fast enough that I even had any inkling that I was doing something wrong. That's when everything started going wrong. Suddenly, we were all counting our AHTs and ATTs (that's Average Handling Time and Average Talk Time in newspeak), feeling irritated at the occassional grandma who just wouldn't put the phone down because they knew that we hadn't really helped them enough yet. Our goal was to help our clients within 14 minutes. FOURTEEN, FREAKIN' MINUTES!!! I mean, gee! I guess I can, if I didn't have to give all of the prescribed opening, troubleshooting and closing scripts that make me sound like an intelligent robot. I guess I can squeeze all of the help if all we had to do was "help" them. But we were supposed to document everything while helping them, that is, we were supposed to be typing like crazy everything that we did.

But I think I can handle even that. I'm a touch-typist after all. What was so illogical and unhelpful is that we were supposed to troubleshoot according to a fixed and immutable flow-chart. It didn't matter if the agent before me had already done that, even with access to his/her "notes" I was supposed to go through it all over again. And it wouldn't matter that I had already done all that, and painstakingly recorded all of it, too. The agent that the client would have to call because I was not able to "resolve" the problem within the prescribed time will, also, have to go through the same steps.

And, though it pains me, I know I can handle even that. Yet, for those few cases that training did not prepare us for, we had to rely on our "floor support" which is basically a few knowledgeable individuals who have actually handled the "product" and can answer specific questions. But with thirty or more people in our team, of more than three teams, start waving our help-me flags, they cannot help all of us at once (and with our AHTs still ticking away). Even when they eventually came over to "help" us, the North American Caucasians (who were our trainers and our floor support) would merely tell us that "we took that up in training" (when was that?) and tha we should "figure it out." Even now, the phrase "figure it out" has become a sort of swear word to us Pinoys. That first week was the breaking point for me and a lot of my teammates. My scores on quality were really good, that is, inspite of my terrible AHTs (the longest of which was almost an hour and a half long), because I knew how to get a banter going. But the first time that was the worst day, which was some time later, also proved to be my last day. I spontaneously developed S.A.D.

This was a bitter pill for me to swallow. I had faced down principals, angry parents and idiotic teenagers in the past without flinching, without fear, then suddenly found myself having an irrational panic attack during a call. And knowing that it was an irrational panic attack was not helpful... it made me even more anxious... it didn't help that I was talking to a client that had such a thick French accent and couldn't understand a word he was saying. Somehow I finished the call, but I knew that I never want to take a call ever again. I excused myself quickly from my Pinoy teamleader and the pretty but insensitive caucasian trainer. All admonitions not to quit fell on not so deaf but definitely numb ears... I wanted out and I wanted out now. By the time I got home, I had a splitting headache, my heart was beating so fast and, though exhausted, couldn't go to sleep.

It didn't help that I knew why I was experiencing such. After weeks of being "weighed and measured and found wanting" (something I have always hated), suddenly being thrust into a situation where one is judged on literally a minute-by-minute basis on rules that are unfair yet unchangeable triggered that panic attack. I have not told anyone but my wife because I, of course, fear judgement. "Coward" and "quitter" are just some of the milder translations of their Tagalog equivalents. The thing is, the actual practice of taking a call and helping them blindly while on the phone isn't new to me—I've done it for years with friends, students and former employers alike. I'm used to talking to caucasians. But having a dagger continually over one's head all that time, and being constantly reminded of it everytime we look at the timer on the Avaya web phone was just too much. I never want to work at another call centre ever again if I can help it. Even if some of my co-workers (now unemployed like me) assure me that other call centres are not as strict, I know for a fact that all of them operate on equations that compute erlangs. Basically, it means that I shall always be judged on how swiftly I end a call rather on how good I was at a call. No thank you.

Although I realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of that panic attack when it happened, I find that I cannot talk about it with others. I definitely didn't bring it up when discussing it with my family or my in-laws, that's for certain. Mom had always wondered why, as a young teen, I developed stage-fright; I had always performed in front of people, and performed well. I became ashamed of this stage-fright or jitters and have, over the years, successfully gotten rid of it. I still feel uncomfortable speaking in public, but I never feel anxiety or panic any longer. So, my intellect reasons out, I shouldn't be ashamed because even entertainers like Donny Osmond would spontaneously suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD, for short) at the height of his career. I reason to myself that I only experienced such because I hated to be judged that rigorously (I had also been "assessed" before in my other jobs, of course, but they never came minute-by-minute and over things out of my control).

But still, I feel ashamed. I feel that I cannot hope for understanding. I was making more money than at any time in my life, and for some that should have settled things.


It was only later that a lot of us would read the opinions of North Americans about outsourcing—basically, they thought that we were taking away jobs meant for them. When I went through the resignation process and the exit interview, I found that T2 didn't care so much if so many of us resigned. For one, there were always more of us waiting to be hired, so we were as replaceable as a broken lightbulb. Another thing was that, high as our salaries were, we were relatively dirt cheap, so our American employers' collective pockets didn't ache if a lot of us resigned, even if they seemingly "wasted" their resources on training us for two months. We were peanuts. Of course, with that knowledge, even if our salaries were relatively high, knowing that on the grand scheme of things we were not as highly valued as we would have liked to believe (a weakness, I admit, amongst Pinoys), hastened the departure of those whom I left behind. It also gave us some insight over the perceived tendency of the North Americans reluctance to teach and help us Indios—was there an agenda somewhere?

Of course, one can read this entire post as rant and alibi, written by one so anxious to justify oneself. There are many, another one may reason, who find that they can stay in call centres with no problem at all. And knowing that there are some who think that way makes me feel more ashamed still. But my parting shot is this: while we were still there, we had a name for those who eventually proved hardy enough to remain. We called them "asses" and, though they had amazing 5-10 minute AHTs, they were the ones that give "phone technical support" the reputation of being unhelpful, uninformed and rude.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Archive of SayBox messages

Total shouts: 28

SayBot:
We have added a new paid-only feature to SayBox. Please click here for more information
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SayBox service may be interrupted on October 6th, 2005, as we are making some server changes. Please click here for further information.
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Our banner ad system is back online! If you're interested in advertising with SayBox, please click here for more information
crazyfoxycool:
Happy birthday, Ate Chris!!!
slaxxgurl:
andanda ng comp!!!
SayBot:
Our competition to win free hosting from Elixant is still open! All you have to do to win is find 10 hidden logo pieces around the SayBox site and forum. Click here for details!
Gryphon Hall:
Well done, Ærynn! At last, you are writing the sort of posts I was expecting from you.
Gryphon Hall:
Thanks, Slaxx! Really appreciate it.
slaxxgurl:
know what sir, you can make a concept book out of your blog...really good topics...
SayBot:
We're giving away free hosting in our newest competition sponsored by Elixant! Click here for details
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SayBox is proud to announce the software upgrade to v3.1 has now taken place. Click here to read about the improvements we've made
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Due to extremely high quantities of spam email, we have temporarily disabled the SayBox email inboxes. Support requests via email will not be read or replied to. If you need help with your SayBox, please visit our forum instead, where support will be offered as usual.
eldzey:
iba ka talaga kuya jo ang galing mo! thank you talaga
SayBot:
Enter our new competition and you could win a free ipod courtesy of SayBox and Elixant! Click here for details.
ethereal07:
hi sir! musta no po?
pede po ba matanong kung pano niyo po nagawa itong "say box" thing and how did you make your blog's baskground like this. that is if it's okay.
kimi, as in kimi ng first year (dati) or kimi ng mars?
SayBot:
SayBox is giving away adfree pageviews to all SayBox Community members! To find out how to take part in this giveaway, click here!
Gryphon Hall:
By the way, Valerie, check your comments on your blog.
Gryphon Hall:
Well, you can find my wedding pics by following this link: -link-
Valerie:
hi sir... this is valerie... i am still using my blog!! how are you?? i want to see your wedding pics... were can i possibly find them? thanks!!
kimi:
i'm gonna link you sir if that's fine with you.
kimi:
we have the same tagboard. hehe. kimberly here sir. just bouncin' by. have a great day.
Gryphon Hall:
Thanks! I think so, too!
slaxxgurl:
ahmm...know what...eowyn claire's really cool and cute...hehehe
slaxxgurl:
woohoo! the slacker was here! hehehe
Christine:
Happy now dat iv posted something? I enjoy ur musings!
Christine was here!
Gryphon Hall:
Hello, everyone! Please don't forget to sign over here!
SayBot:
A new release of SayBox has been announced! Read about it in the admin panel of your SayBox, or click here to see the thread on our forum.
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We hope you enjoy using SayBox! Please feel free to delete this message via your admin panel.
I've been using SayBox for some time now. But I've changed to ShoutBox because SayBot keeps on bugging me with ads. I mean, I understand that these guys have to make a buck for a living. But if there is an alternative to this that is still free, I'm alright with it.

At any rate, I included the archive of all my "shouts" from SayBox right there on the right. Maybe someday I can port it to my ShoutBox? Or, maybe not. Who knows?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Coffee Alamid-Rarest Coffee in the World


Coffee Alamid-Rarest Coffee in the World
Originally uploaded by Gryphon Hall
found in a coffee shop in West Fairview, Quezon City
My Mother-in-law, her two sisters and I were talking about our experiences with coffee and tea. During the course of our discussions, Ærynn's Mom tried very hard to remember one particular variety of coffee, which she said was supposed to be the most expensive coffee variety in the world.

Well, of course, I was intrigued and (I must admit) a bit doubtful. I knew certain types of coffee varieties can be expensive; but I didn't know that there would be one special variety of coffee that would be much more expensive than the ones I purchase at Starbucks. Well, she said, that's because the beans are first eaten by some type of wild cat, then it passes out whole in their droppings, farmers gather them, and roast them. That's what makes them the most expensive coffee in the world. In fact, she challenged me to find out about it and I promised to do so.

Well, the most logical first place to look should have been the internet, right? Just Google it and I should have found out quickly. As it is, I actually found out about the most expensive coffee from a Philippine coffee shop; I also found out why they were so darn expensive—the Civet cat that eats the coffee cherries are endangered. For a small jar of coffee just slightly larger than an ink well, one has to fork out PhP300, that's roughly US$6.00 for what is essentially just one or two mugs of coffee. Still, it seems that even that is cheap compared to what the British have to pay for when they import the Indonesian version of Coffee Alamid, which is called Kopi Luwak. One unfortunate Britisher couldn't see the difference between normal coffee and Kopi Luwak, as he describes in his blog.

I wanted to purchase some... but as I had quit my inhuman call centre job just recently, this particular luxury is one that I find I cannot afford all of a sudden. Well... that is another story. I'm actually playing around with the idea of applying for a coffee barista job in the local coffee shop; it's lower pay, but I don't have to have recurring nightmares about Remedy, Help Desk and Avaya conking out.

Oh, and finally, I've begun to lose weight again...

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Anti-illiteracy in the Philippines

I have been a teacher for less than three years, intermittently. In spite of all the feel good movies out there about how wonderful the teaching profession is, I haven't found it to be so. Take note, I said the teaching profession isn't wonderful, not teaching itself.

One of the reasons why I found that I cannot stay in the Philippine teaching profession is the "hakot" mentality in the country's literacy programs. Simply put, they don't bother so much about quality in education as long as as many children as possible are in school. Again take note, the programs are merely trying to get children into school, but that's about it. And about as many children as they can cram into classrooms and assigning them to a ridiculous teacher-to-student ratio, frequently 50 students to a teacher. Well... not quite. Actually, it's more like a hundred or more to a teacher, since we used to be given a ridiculous number of "preparations," that is, we don't just prepare for just one subject with a class of 50 students.

I have, of course, naively discussed this with my principal and my coordinator before—we need more teachers. The answer is, well, ridiculously simple: not enough funds. Of course! Why didn't I think of that? The traditional models of supply and demand is overturned. We have here a clear case of demand and with little supply (yes, believe it or not; inspite of all the Educ graduates the colleges and universities churn out each year), one would think that teachers would be paid more. The fact is that since teachers traditionally have low salaries, even thinking that teachers should be paid a lot is totally alien.

Well, some bloke from down under thinks that a profit can be made for teaching-for-profit, and he isn't talking about just money.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

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Moblog: One of the most annoying things for me is being right. Well, of course one wants to be right; what irritates me is being right after being told repeatedly that I was actually wrong. It may be over some bit of trivia (where the annoyance is only slight), then there are those occasional times where the disagreement is about something like policy or professional know-how (where the annoyance is not only great but stressful).

However, there are those rare times that, even after I've been proven right, it is insisted that I'm still wrong, like this current situation I find myself in with an ignorant Hun.

Does God ever feel this way? He's been proven right so very often yet humans by and large still insist that their wisdom and justice is greater and better than God's-this annoys me. But what annoys me more are Christians who pervert how God really is like, making Him seem harsher and more unjust than He actually is, or worse, as one who sells prosperity and health.

Monday, August 15, 2005

An open, screened window.jpg

Moblog: There are times when people will claim to have minds that are as open as windows, but are still screened and filtered.

When Yancey talks about the hypocrisy of Moody College, it hardly hurts Pinoys since the common, typical Pinoy will not have come from Moody College.

But talk about UP, Ateneo or even DLSU and a lot of Pinoys see red.

Yet the only way we can ever open any window here in Pinas is to put screens, filters on them. To keep flies out, I suppose. To keep the bad things away. So, maybe it isn't always a bad thing. Maybe it's just easier and better to look away.

And so Yancey can talk about bitterness all he wants; his objects are just too far away and too far removed to affect us as little more than quaint and funny little stories. When he talks about the hypocrisy of America, the American situtation and American Christians, they wouldn't have to hurt us. He's talking about them, not us. Apparently, we don't have to see his point. We don't have to feel guilty.

Screens on windows... what a great idea.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Dad's Birthday

Moblog: I had actually been ill yesterday during Dad's actual birthday. No, not a fever, but really ill nonetheless. So when my brothers came over, with BH and my niece, Dayang, I had been unable to join them.

Today, however, the church found out that it was his birthday, and gave him this cake.

I'm still feeling woozy, but I'm glad I got to celebrate it with Dad, though it is belated.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Ærynn and I had always shared music

Ever since that first time, when I tried to lend her one of my favorite music CDs (an Enya CD I borrowed from someone else, actually), hoping that she would like it, then finding out that she not only listened to Enya, but owned a cassette tape of the very same CD, I always knew that Ærynn and I would always share music.

To be sure, we still have our distinct musical preferences. She tends to like Pop and upbeat tunes, while I like the classics (not classical, mind you; there is a difference) of no particular genre. There are, of course, intersections and overlapping of interest, like Enya.

At any rate, since most of my music files were destroyed when lightning struck Dad's laptop, I only have those left over from when we were still in St. John, that is, the closest I ever lived near Ærynn's house when we were still unmarried. I am listening to them now: Winter Solstice, Paolo Santos, Enya, some Phil Collins & James Ingram, definitely Charlotte Church (before her descent into the dark side) . . . all the songs and music my wife and I shared when we were still together. I am listening to them as I prepare to go to a job I am finding tedious, repetitive, inefficiently managed, and nerve-wracking . . . yet as I listen to this music, all I can remember was the soft glow of my wife's skin in the half light coming in through the bridal chamber window. All that fills my mind now is the sound of her gentle breathing as she lies asleep beside me. I can still smell the gentle fragrance of her hair on the pillow, where I lay my head beside hers. My heart still throbs for the lovemaking that happened just a few minutes ago—no . . . months ago.

And I remember why I have to be patient: for the hope that I will see my lovely wife again, and share music once again.

Monday, August 08, 2005

So... even DLSU feels inferior, huh?


This is a response to an article written here. This is another one of my badly written articles on the silent gripe on supposed academic superiority and shouldn't see the light of day because it might offend someone.


You know what? I didn't know that La Sallites had an inferiority complex when it came to Ateneo. My, my... who would have thought? And all this time I had been under the impression that they had been so busy looking down at other universities and colleges, especially those that they are in "consortium" with... like PCU.

What's the entire deal with trying to prove academic superiority anyway? When I transferred from UP to PCU, I had so much difficulty having my subjects credited. They kept on telling me that the subjects from "there" are different from those over "here." Some of my friends who had made the same kind of transfer to PCU and were proud of the grades they got in UP were shocked that the "advanced" subjects they took back there is not considered valid. When for a while I tried to take my M.A. back in UP (more out of a desire to validate whatever academic achievement I had than anything else), I had difficulty convincing them that the subjects I took in PCU were good enough and advanced enough to allow me to even apply.

In the end, all this is bullshit. All colleges and universities, in order to be recognized as a college or university and allowed to operate at all, go through the same process of accreditation. Simply stated, they must be teaching the same thing with the same standards. That is, an English major who graduates from UP should be as good as an English major who graduates from Corregidor College. Yet, inspite of all the "accreditation" there is this view that somehow the "ivy league" schools are not only necessarily better, but also rather the only choice for smart students. If you are just too dumb to go into UP or Ateneo, there are still the others.

So, DLSU is trying to pride itself on being really good athletically over such clumsy morons like those in UP, while UP prides itself on their brains... Ateneo has the best of both worlds, it seems. Back in high school, our Salutatorian chose to go to Ateneo even though he passed the UPCAT and had a scholarship in UP; he was trying to prove a point.


The darndest thing about it is that my Dad's generation felt it first. Right now, where my Dad is assigned as a pastor is a RTC judge amongst the congregation. Dad, ever the nice, doormat man that he sometimes is when meeting old "friends" remembers that both he and that present judge both took the entrance exam for Law so many years back. He wouldn't tell me what that guy's scores were, but I suspect that Dad got higher marks. Yet, he couldn't afford it so he didn't take Law and became a pastor.

Fast forward to the present, and here is that same judge arguing before the Church Council exactly why Dad doesn't deserve more than P13k a month: he's just a pastor. The second darndest thing is that the Church Council agrees with him, inspite of the fact that they hear Dad every Sunday and they heard this judge last month give a sermon and... well, there just isn't any comparison. That judge seemed like he was half dead. I wonder how he holds his court...

The funny thing is, this isn't the first time. He has an IQ of 152, right? Yet he never became Valedictorian of his graduating Elementary class. Why? He's from another barrio. Same thing with high school. Same thing with College. Same thing in the seminary. Should he have graduated at the top of his class in Yale then (where he finished 2nd, that is, secundi honoris)? After experiencing all of this prejudice and deliberate stops to his career everywhere, he thinks that it is fiction when I tell him of instances when there is prejudice based solely and merely on where you graduated. Or maybe, he just doesn't want to accept the fact that this is true. He has been held back so long, he needs to know that where he is right now is his best possible destiny. Will I ever become like Dad, or those La Sallites, always giving alibis on why they are perceived as second- or third-rate?


Another group of people who would not believe or acknowledge the unfair bias shown to UP/Ateneo, heck! even La Salle are those people from these very institutions. They just have to know that they are really good, not merely considered good. We got those jobs because UPeans really are good naman. We rule, we rock precisely because we rule and we rock. My wife, who began and ended in UP, finds it offensive whenever I talk about those of us who have been overlooked and shunted aside not because of our lack of skill or talent but because of our Alma Mater. Which is wierd, since I had thought that, after experiencing a version of that particular bias in Oz she would see that there was some validity in our gripes and our groans. But, no go... she should be accepted precisely because she is from UP and they are being unfair. The aussies don't know what UP is, and they will only, only value people who graduated from their local universities, or at least have plenty of local experience, and bugger all other qualifications.

Yet, Ærynn still would not believe me when I say that thing about jobs. The only jobs available to us are the lowly, utusan jobs—being under those who finished in an "ivy league." She, like my Dad before her, would cite all those people who had gotten jobs who were not from UP, silently and deliberately ignoring the fact that most of them only got their jobs not on the strength of their resumes but rather the network of people that they know. The only way a walk-in applicant gets hired is if that person has a UP or Ateneo (and, yes, dear friends, sometimes a DLSU) diploma and TOR; and the cycle continues.

Well, PCU has the basketball championship. Looks like PCU, like DLSU before them, will now have to bask in their athletic rather than academic prowess, making alumni like me even more useless in the job market.

And so, even when this job that I have now is the sort of job I particularly dislike I am staying in it (if it kills me), since it is the first job that has offered me pay higher than P10k a month. In fact, my salary is, in fact, higher than my Dad's right now. I am a prostitute, prostituting my skills and talents in what is technically organized slavery to money just so I can meet some of my friends, and not be ashamed of telling them what my salary is (among other, more needful things, of course).

Oh, don't worry... this won't get published. Nobody will read and be offended by it... I'm hiding it right in here where no one can see... Let the delusions continue... UP... Ateneo... what was it that Mercutio said?

Sunday, August 07, 2005

GH-060.jpg

GH-060.jpg
GH-060.jpg,
uploaded by
Gryphon Hall.
Moblog: My sister-in-law and I just took time off to watch a ballet performance, which had just ended now. It was no Nutcracker nor Swan Lake; in short, it was the sort of pointless and meaningless post-modern production that showcased skill and scantily clad bodies, but little else.

Still, it was a nice experience because I was with my hipag. Too bad that I couldn't spend the night at their house so that I can also be with my mom-in-law. It has been a while since we've had some fellowship together.

I wish my wife was here. This was the sort of thing that we always went to.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

On the 29th Sonnet of Shakespeare

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf Heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featur'd like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least:

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee,--and then my state
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings'.
Just like a lot of my more recent posts, this one is blatantly self-absorbed. I have always loved this particular sonnet of Shakespeare, not particularly because it is well made (though it is) but rather it reflects very well how I see my life. Oh, I am not proud that my life is so very well reflected in this verse; I am not. But, it used to comfort me that there was at least one poem, and a sonnet at that, which gives validity to what I felt was true in my life.

I am not proud to say that the first four couplets are so very true of me. Without any hubris I can say that people are usually surprised that I feel this way. They usually think that I have far too many talents and skills to ever feel that I don't fit anywhere and hate it (1st couplet), that I have once asked God to change my life so often, but felt that he didn't (2nd couplet), and that I am filled with bitter envy (and I still often am) at the financial well-being, the friends, and the talents and skills of other people have (especially those whom I think deserve it least) that I find it difficult to enjoy life (3rd & 4th couplets). No, I am not proud... and for a long time I have dissembled my mind to seem more happy and more content, all for the sake of others.

For the longest time, I had loved that poem... and hated it, since only the first four couplets were true for me. For a long time, I had no friend that would help me appreciate the me that I am now, rather than wish to be the other guy who had more money, or more friends, or more talent. That is, until Ærynn came into my life in 1995.

Oh, I still feel the first four couplets occassionally; yet it no longer haunts me as it did before, for at last my life is a complete Sonnet XXIX, where all I have to consider is that, if I had been somebody else, I would not have my wife now. It is complicated, but I am sure that if I had been somebody else, I would not have met such a wonderful friend and lover all in one. Of course, it seems like a case of the bitter grapes. But one only has to meet her who is my wife, and know that I am more fortunate than I deserve.

Maybe I do feel that the first four couplets should still be part of my life—having just the last three will not a sonnet make, and without the first four the last three are meaningless. I sometimes feel that I should have more money, more friends or more talents to be deserving of Ærynn... however I also know that even if I remain the friendless pauper with limited skills, she will still love me and stay with me.

And that is a poem in itself.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

GH-049.jpg

GH-049.jpg
GH-049.jpg,
uploaded by
Gryphon Hall.
Moblog:

GH-046.jpg

GH-046.jpg
GH-046.jpg,
uploaded by
Gryphon Hall.
Moblog: My niece, currently being dedicated in God's presence.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Dad's new PC

Dad's new brand-name Desktop PC, w/c he bought out of need, not just his but mine as well. He financed it, but I did the research. All this, including all peripherals, the table and chair was had for just P28K. Next week, we will already have DSL.GH-040.jpg

What do you think?

As you can see, the brand is Red Fox... but that's not as important as the one-year warranty that comes along with it; because it is brand-name, the warranty is good. The hardware itself is also good: a nice AMD Sempron with really high quality speakers, keyboard and optical mouse... terno pa! O, 'di ba?GH-041.jpg

Hopefully, when the PLDT guys come around, they can install DSL quick... Dad will be happy with his download speeds, I can research stuff I need for work and, most importantly, I can chat with my wife, Ærynn, again. It has been too long since we had a long, meaningful chat. Because of my job, I couldn't even visit my Mom-in-law, where she usually finds a way for me to speak with my wife... it has been a lonely existence.

Click here to see the full specifications of the Red Fox Vengeance SE Basic. The only difference is that this package has one CD-ROM drive, one DVD-RW drive, two hard disks (one is 40GB, the other is 80GB), and 256MB of DDR RAM.

Anyway, I hope this snazzy, red computer will mean that our hearts will burn bright again...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I've become fat again, part 2

I just watched a special on TV about why diet plans fail. They mentioned three factors (or at least, I was able to absorb three factors):
  1. When everybody else is eating a lot, dieters tend to much more.
  2. When dieters binge on one meal, they usually throw off the entire day (or week) while promising themselves that they can start over next week.
  3. When dieters are stressed, they usually will eat more to feel better.
From what I know, number 1 and 2 applies to me. I know I've been working hard to shed the extra fat by watching what I eat. But when others around me are eating liempo and lechon kawali, it is true, I tend to eat what they eat. I have, of course, been taunted a lot about the lack of discipline I have if I cannot say "no" to eating what others eat, but the TV program has assured me that this was unfair at the very least. For one thing, eating is a social act. It becomes unnatural to eat differently from others, even if they expect you to. That is why a family of thin people tend to be a family of thin people, and vice versa. Fat friends congregate with each other, and vice versa. If everybody else is eating healthy, the tendency is for one to eat healthy. That's why people in Japan or other health-conscious cultures tend to stay healthy even if they eat a lot, while cultures like that in the USA or even in the Philippines tend to have obese people, even if they diet and eat little. As I said in my previous mobile post (I actually posted that using my cellphone; I finally found a system that works), when the "meriendas" are not only scheduled and regulated, but when the only food that is served are oily and saucy foods, there is no other recourse but to stay away from the pantry except during the lunch hour.

Oh, and about stress... we've got a lot of that. I've always told others that the reason why I don't become a pastor is because, among other things, I can't see myself making a sermon once a week. It is just too hard. Now that I'm training for a call center job, the ACE training (Accent and Conversational English Training) that happens nine hours a day, stopping only for merienda and lunch, has us needing to speak out more than once a day and writing our "reports" and "presentations." This is stressful, to say the least, and trainees congregating to eat that delish concoction of beef, peppers, mushrooms in thick gravy seems to be a way to relieve some of the stress.

One other source of stress for me is the decidedly nonChristian atmosphere of the workplace. I am not saying that the place is decidedly "evil"—it is not. It is just nonChristian: we men unashamedly make remarks about the body parts of the female trainees and talk about the ones we like, for instance. I say "we" because even if, frankly, I don't find myself attracted to any of the females there, in order to fit in I have to find something to like in the females around. I have thus far "appreciated" only the "safer" aspects of the females: good dresser, good speaker, pretty, etc. but I have already crossed the line twice when I agreed that one girl's "ass was hot" and that another girl's "feet was sexy." It is also uncomfortable when the females themselves, most of them married and/or having children of their own are also engaging in a little "innocent" flirting. I guess I am just too conservative... but still, I don't see the logic in all of this behavior. A single co-trainee cannot get the eye of the females, no matter how much he preens and all; yet we married guys get the attention primarily because we are "safe" (I will deal with this reprehensible illogic in a later post). Even the married women are more brazen than the single women.

Anyway, my point is that this adds to my stress, making the already scrumptuous food even tastier to my palate; and I must do everything in my power to try and avoid it. Ærynn deserves to have the same fit husband she married months ago when I see her again, not some fat whale.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I've become fat again

GH-024.jpg
GH-024.jpg,
originally uploaded by Gryphon Hall.
Moblog post: I have gotten fat again. After months of being just over 200lbs, I have experienced becoming almost 30lbs heavier in just a month. My belt has become tighter again after months of being too large. There was this shirt that I wore last month that showed that I was begining to have a neck again; I am wearing it again tonight, and there is on neck in the mirror now. It is, of course, needless to say that this is not good.

I've seen that there are several reasons for this sudden weight gain. First, I have not been getting much sleep since this new night-shift job. Of course, I've only been at it a week, but this shirt I am now wearing that is suddenly tight I wore just last week, and it didn't "stick" onto me this way. So, second, I think it is because of the instituted meriendas at work. You see, I don't eat merienda. Now that it is a tangible break & everybody is eating, I've been eating as well.

Well, not anymore. I have to be more disciplined if I am to avert all the damage to all the hard work for the last few months. I will again need to watch more closely my food intake, since I am no longer in Cavite and exercise will no longer be there just for the taking. More later.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Thinking Aloud: A Gripe Observed, part I

Parking lot at 0300HI am very perturbed. And, supposedly, I have no reason to be. . .

. . . Or rather, it's all in the way one looks at it, to see whether I have any real reason to be perturbed.

I almost wrote down "I married the most wonderful lady I've ever met, but I can't be with her" but I know just how sappy, clichéd, and generally annoying such statements are to those who have never been in the sort of situation I am in. I have married a wonderful lady. I have only spent a maximum of three weeks together with her. I had expected to be with her by next month. But, thanks to the cruel twists that can come, our reunion is going to be delayed, at best, and denied, at worst. Of course, "denied" is such a strong word. More properly, I would probably follow her much, much later than I thought; more like the two years apart that a friend of ours had to go through, when she was waiting to get her husband to the States.

All this "misery" is due to some misplaced good fortune.

You see, I have for some reason finally acquired a job that pays well. Good fortune indeed, except that it has come more than two years too late. Those who are truly familiar with the Job Market in the Philippines—and I'm not talking about those ten or twenty percent that get jobs on the get go and keep them for around 5 years; no, I'm talking about the majority of us out there—know that getting a job is like playing a game. So often, I have walked up to a snazzy building, freshly bathed, freshly shaved, with a fresh haircut and a fresh layer of dust that the metropolitan pollution has dumped on me, trying to feel confident. More often than I want to remember, I would ace their applications tests and exams, up until the final interview. How many times have I shaken a vigorous and eager hand just as the interview starts, then they take one good look at my resumé, see where I got my degree, see how many "jobs" I've been in, and see how short my durations were, and I get to shake that same hand that is now placid and uneager? I hate it when people try to broadcast the lie that companies here in the Philipppines do not discriminate against the "lesser" universities. They have accused me, and others, of just not trying hard enough. But they all want graduates from UP, DLSU, Ateneo, probably UST. . . they do!

Of course graduates from the "other" universities get jobs. Just not the jobs that one wants or was trained for. I have often found myself glossed over by these companies, even when I had the skills, and they choose someone who would later purchase those "Learn in 24 hours..." kind of books because they had to cram up on the skills. Our difference? He graduated from the Philippine version of an ivy-league university. So much so that most of my former classmates, even those that finished cum laude, can only find jobs as clerks, while less skilled and less smart rich kids get to ride around in business suits.

As a result, my resumé has become a joke. Only those small, no-name companies ever hired me, making my work experience even more pathetic.


Yet, I now find myself with a good paying job with a good multi-national company. I should be overjoyed. I am not. I definitely need the money. But I should have had this job two years ago, not now when I am about to leave. I credit the fact that Canadians were the ones who interviewed and hired me as the reason why I was able to get in, when so many times in the past I was turned away. To a Canadian PCU is the same as UP, and I got my chance.

I don't care about demographics, you know, that "fact" that they are parading around in the Philippines that usually, UP/DLSU/Ateneo/etc. graduates are the better and smarter workers. That only became so because these universities take all the best high school graduates, not because on any inherent superiority in their systems. And even so, if you treat a potential student as, well, the lower rungs, they will behave so. I have met a lot of really smart and industrious individuals in my college that have since turned to mediocrity, merely because that was what was expected of them.

Still, I have this job. A "call centre" job. A job which, years ago, I would not have touched with a ten-foot pole. It wasn't what I was trained for. It isn't what I want. I will receive calls and try to solve technical problems. We aren't allowed a lot of freedoms. The work is hectic and demanding, with long hours during the oddest hours of the day. The job, itself, is not very fulfilling. But it pays well, and over the course of a few years the need for money has stifled my idealism. Like in the Thomas Hardy novel of "Jude the Obscure" where Jude with aspirations to become a scholar and skills in Latin and Hebrew still cannot rise above the station in life that society drops on his shoulders, I have come to accept that maybe I will never be a writer. There will never be any time. I need money. This is it. This is all I will ever be accepted for. To hope for more is to always despair. To start accepting my station is, hopefully, the start of happiness for me. A mere customer service agent, probably someday a trainer. But that is it.

Oh, there are benefits upon benefits. The starting pay is good. There is insurance. And quiet rooms, showers, game rooms, free coffee. . . why did I ever aspire to anything more than this? I had always hated the corporate atmosphere. . . I should have accepted that it will be what feeds me. Yet, this lesson comes too late. If I had learned this two years ago and had, back then, sold myself to wage-slavery, my wife wouldn't have needed to leave. I should still have her here, and we could have been married earlier, have had kids earlier. . . a man's lot. I had been too proud, and loneliness has been my punishment.

I want to be with my wife now in Australia. But I cannot leave, now that I have a good company that accepted me. I need to stay at least until October, probably November. . . but I want to be with my wife. But I can only allow her to really live and pursue her dreams if I can provide. This job will help me. I need it.

But I am not happy.


I am perturbed. My team-mates are very much like the high school students I used to teach: loud, arrogant, self-absorbed and self-interested. Yet, this is the world that I must belong in, this world full of the loud and arrogant. Should I also be loud and arrogant to succeed? I hope not. But, now, I must prepare for work: do my job to sell myself and make myself as interesting a human product as I can, so I can ascend the ladder and make more money. What is more important than money? I cannot see beyond the flimsy walls of my workstation to know for sure, but this I know now: with money comes happiness.

And only fools and poets think otherwise and die hungry and lonely.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Love is Something You Do, Not Feel

Our Mother, just like most other human beings on earth, has her share of faults; there are times when I wish she was a much better mother than she had been. Yet, in one area, she is a much better mother than any I have yet come across, if not the best. It was she that taught me the true nature of "what men call 'love'", even if she herself did not always remember. And knowing that nature, even if I myself do not always remember, helped me to find the best woman for my wife.

For one thing, unlike other mothers, Mom had always talked to us about how to treat a girl, how to identify the girl one wants, how to treat a girl one wants, what to do when one gets the girl one wants, and how to treat a girl when you aren't sure one still wants the girl—all beginning at the tender age of six. Mom would always speak from experience, never having read any how-to books on love or any of that; this is probably why during those times she would talk to us we didn't particularly trust her judgment. She bungled up turning down men who courted her, for instance, taking a Bible verse out of context. But for as long as I can remember, there was the advice: "Always be a gentleman" "Always give the girl the benefit of the doubt" "If she behaves so, she doesn't love you" "If she behaves so, then she's attracted to you" "If she does this, then it's probably love" "If you love her, then do this..."—all given long before any kind of desire or attraction to the opposite sex. When we would watch a romantic movie when I was just eight years old, she would patiently explain her take on the dynamics of the relationship in the same way my Dad would explain philosophical concepts. Thanks to her, the full glory of emphathy was mine when I first watched Tchaikowsky's Swan Lake in animated form at age 10; thanks to her, I understood jealousy, suspicion, and duty in many a Shakespearean play while I was barely in my teens.

It was my twin brother who believed the nonsense propagated by other mothers, that one can be too young to think about love. He now feels that he can never feel capable enough to find love in a woman; he never listened to our Mom on those ocassions, thinking he had plenty of time later. He would later let his 21st birthday come and go before thinking that now he can think about "adult" love (though, strangely, he always believed that he first fell in love as an eight year old boy). My other brother, now married and with a beautiful daughter (the niece I featured formerly) also listened to my mother's talks. It is this listening which I credit to his success in finding the girl he will love forever back when he was in his last year in elementary school, and loving only her until they were married more than a decade later; all this inspite of his faults and being tempted along the way. My twin, inspite of the nobility he tried to cultivate in his character, had made it a habit not to learn too much about insights gained from even failed relationships (first manifested when he would not listen to Mom as a child); as a result, his only foray into courtship turned so ugly it ended a lot of friendships and fostered a lot of bitterness in some individuals that survive to this day.

I am sure that I have my own faults, and I never would have found my wife if it hadn't been for the decades of preparation and insight my Mom gave me. Other mothers will steep their children in music or the arts in the hopes of having an accomplished musician or artist in the family; yet would think that it was improper to teach a kid about love or sex. How many relationships have failed because young people do not know enough, for instance, to spot the genuine from the not? How many who are in "successful" relationships live in various stages of distress, hurt, jealousy and pain, because they never learned how to behave in a relationship? How many are hurting, because they were never taught that love is not love without fidelity, loyalty, kindness and discipline? How many do not know the power of sex, and either underestimate it or overestimate it, to their detriment? Even when we didn't want to hear it, Mom taught us all that...

... and I'm glad I listened. Of all the joys in my mortal life right now, the chief and greatest is the wonderful woman that God gave me as a wife... and I wouldn't have recognized her if, years ago, my Mom thought it was improper to tell a young boy about a women and how to think and behave to preserve one's personal honor.

For that is, in the end, what love really is about—not the feelings and passions that one is sure to have, but how to act and what to do when in the throes of those feelings and passions. I sometimes do not remember, but I do not forget.